I live in Alameda,Ca. My African-American son & daughter attend a "multi-cultural" school in a suburban area.There are more Asians & Whites at his elementary than any other racial group. The parents of these children are building relationships with one another. The Latinos have built their own community & there is a strong Russian community as well. Each ethnicity has their own clique.
But, those of African descent really don't communicate well with each other. There seems to be no desire on the parent's part to forge relationships with one another. When I have tried to have a conversation with another black parent, it seems forced. I get the succinct feeling that they don't want to be bothered with me. It's really disheartening.
My socio-economic situation is not good. I am a stay-at-home mom with a husband who provides the family's income. But, I am not on welfare or any other type of government assistance. And I am not "ghetto." Unfortunately, I have found out that people assume that all black folks are ghetto leeches. I even heard one Black Muslim kid tell some other black children that he wasn't going to fight with them because they were "ghetto kids." He said that he was just there to get his education. Where's the sense of community in that assertion?
This boy could not have been more than 7 or 8 yrs. old. Obviously, his Black Muslim father put those thoughts in his head. He is telling his son to view other black kids as "ghetto kids." This was very revealing to me. It confirmed my suspicions.The reason why some blacks move to Alameda is to get away from Oakland or other places that they deem as being "ghetto." And these particular black parents view every black parent that they see in a negative light. Even if they are the ones who are really acting "ghetto."
The national narrative regarding the education of African-American kids is contributing to this disassociation. As soon as my son entered school, I was asked by a group of African-American & Hispanic parents to attend a meeting. What was this meeting about,you ask? Well, they wanted to discuss the fact that Blacks & Latinos are falling behind Asians & Whites in school. As a result of this ongoing national discussion, too many African-American parents make the assumption that you(a black parent) have children who aren't succeeding in school.
So,they go out of their way to ingratiate themselves into the Asian & White parental alliances that have formed at my children's school. They feel like these are the successful folks that they want to emulate. For example, one high yellow black woman that wears heavy make-up & a wig everyday told me that the whites in Alameda don't like anything that is "Afro-centric." Since I wear both natural hairstyles & weaves, I felt that she was referring to me when she made that ridiculous comment.
I converse with her daily because our kids are best friends.But,she acts distant.This woman told me that she doesn't do play-dates or socialize with other parents outside of the school. Okay,that's her prerogative. Then, I found out that she was going out of her way to facilitate a play-date with a little white girl that her daughter was really fond of. And this woman stresses the fact that she is a mixed-race woman from Louisiana. I knew that she was snubbing my daughter because she is black.That hurt my feelings because this woman truly believes that playing with white children is the best thing for her daughter.
Especially since I have an extremely gifted daughter & son.Our children's friendship has been more beneficial for her daughter than it has been for mine.This woman's daughter is falling behind while my daughter has excelled tremendously.My daughter helps her child with her classwork because it is difficult for her. Why is she shunning me? It's not because I am a bad mother. It's because I am a black mother.
My African-American fifth-grader is advanced in science & his math is not far behind. Where's the press on that?!! You hear all the time that African-American kids are lagging behind in these areas. My kids are not! But,that is not the case for a lot of black children at this particular school.And because the parents of these kids don't want to associate with each other,it's hard to figure out why that is so we can help these children out.
I don't want to shun those parents who have less successful kids than mine. I actually want to help in any way that I can. But, instead of coming together on this issue, these parents have chosen to put up a barrier between themselves & other blacks.
I have tried to build a relationship with an African parent who also happens to be my neighbor. Her first-grader is doing miserably in school. The school has suggested that he be retained & assessed by a psychiatrist. She blames the school solely. Even though the curriculum is better than a lot of other schools, she says that the school is racist & terrible. Keep in mind the fact that both of my children are continuously excelling at this same school.
But,according to her, I tortured my son by keeping him in that school when he had problems in the first grade. If I would have blamed the school instead of stepping up to the plate, I don't think that he would be successful today. The school is not there to raise your kids. You must instill values in them & educate them yourself. You send them to school to complement the work that you are doing at home. And if you are working with them diligently at home, their school work will reflect that.
If your child is not doing well because you aren't putting forth the extra effort to help them, how is moving to another school going to solve that problem? It's not.Your child's school record will follow them wherever they go. That is what they will initially be judged by.But, instead of accepting that fact, this woman doesn't want to admit that she may be the reason why her son is failing. Whenever I offer her pointers, she ignores what I am saying. And she blames everyone but herself!
I want to share my success story with other black parents. Especially those who have kids that are failing. But, the few women that I offered advice to have taken it the wrong way. They are so competitive that they look at advice as bragging. I want to help other black parents, but I don't want to be attacked by them for doing so. Black people need to learn how to look out for each other. Until we do that, we will continue to have individual success stories instead of communal ones. I want to uplift more black kids than just my own. But I can't be the only black parent looking out for the best interest of our black kids. We are in a community of failure, whether you like it or not. What do I mean by that?
Well, it has been accepted as fact that a whole community of Blacks & Hispanics are failing miserably in school. Why are you fighting so hard to disassociate yourselves from the community of children who are failing? A lot of Hispanics have formed their own communities. What about the African-Americans? When will we come together as a whole? I'm sure that we all share a common goal. We want to change that narrative about our kids. But, if you aren't sharing both stories of success & failure with one another while looking for solutions,the narrative will never change. First, it starts with you taking responsibility for the mistakes that you may be making as a parent.
Do you fit the negative stereotype of a black parent? Are you working with your kids at home & giving them the tools that they need to survive in a racist society? You better be. Because it has already been decided that your child is at risk simply because he is African-American. All of the news reports that cite these racist surveys are setting your children up for failure.
It is up to you as a parent to do everything in your power to prove that narrative to be inaccurate. All African-American children are not failing. Only some are.But,unfortunately,blacks are considered to be a monolithic race. We are not being judged individually.We must tear down this community of failure & replace it with communal success.
But for starters,you can't say a school is terrible if you aren't doing the best job as a parent.The aforementioned African parent who blames the school system gets her child to school late almost daily. Even though we live right down the street from the school, this lady always claims that she overslept. No matter what school she transfers her son to, she still has to be punctual.
And she doesn't know how to approach her son's white teacher. Whenever she has an issue with her son's teacher, she yells at the lady while class is in session. And then she calls the lady racist because the teacher told her that her behavior was unacceptable.In reality, the way that she dealt with her son's teacher took me aback,whether she was being racist or not. Even if you feel disrespected, you must behave in a respectable manner at all times.
My African neighbor may be rude, but it is true that racism rears its ugly head in Alameda. Sometimes it is overt,but more often than not it is subliminal.Our school needs their welcoming committee to be more diverse because right now it is mostly white & Asian. A couple of the white parents have reached out to African-Americans about joining this committee. One of them was very diplomatic about it & the other one was brutally direct about why she felt that I in particular should join this committee.
This white lady,who is a Texan, told me that I was "intelligent & African-American." She said that the welcoming committee could use an African-American parent like me.This conversation took place while I was talking with my African neighbor outside of the school. The Texan parent totally ignored the African parent,as if to insinuate that she was unintelligent. It was obvious to me that the lady was trying to insult the African parent who is late every day because she told me that I represent a parent who is "on the ball." And she never invited my neighbor to join the welcoming committee.
After the lady left, my African neighbor turned on me. She told me that I should have stood up to the Texan because she had insulted me by saying that I was an intelligent African-American. I know that this lady is harboring racist feelings by some of the things that she has said to me in the past. But, why would I feel insulted by what she said when it was really directed at the African woman. Shouldn't she have spoken up for herself by saying that she was intelligent as well? We are all grown folks.
This African woman makes snide remarks about both my kids & I. That's one of the reasons that I have decided to keep my distance from her. Whenever I try to have an in-depth conversation with her, I come away from it feeling insulted. There are many times that I should have stood up to her. So, her attack on me pissed me off. Especially since I understand the real reason behind her vehement anger towards this white woman.
I have been neighbors with this Eritrean woman for almost six years. She has snubbed me for the majority of that time. When we did start to socialize with each other,one of the first things that she told me is that our apartment building is sticking all the blacks together in one unit. That is not true because I was surrounded by whites when I first moved here. And even if that were the case, I love being around black people so I never would have noticed that. Obviously, this bothers her because she has commented on living around blacks numerous times.That can be perceived as being racist as well.
The real reason she was mad at that white woman is because she was excluded from the conversation. After trying her damnedest to fit in with the whites in Alameda, they are approaching me instead of her. And it is simply because I validate myself by being there for my children. I'm not spending my time trying to impress the suburban folks in Alameda by putting my son on a soccer team. My life is designed around the education of my kids,which is why I barely update this blog. This is something that I feel passionate about & I needed to vent.
Stop seeking the approval of the master. Leave that slave/colonial mentality behind once & for all. Because it's a form of mental slavery. Too many of us are seeking validation from whites instead of seeking validation from ourselves.The only person who needs to approve of you is yourself. Basically, know your own self-worth.
I didn't need this white woman to tell me that I am an involved African -American parent who is intelligent to boot.In fact, I pulled her to the side & let her know that she offended my neighbor when she said that. And she assured me that she was not being racist. This lady told me that I was more knowledgeable about issues of the day because I keep myself informed. She told me that she just watches NPR from time to time.According to her, that is why she's pushing for me to be on this committee.
Then she proceeded to tell me that she knows that there is white trash,too. And she also told me that too many rich white folks hire nannies instead of raising their kids themselves. Then, she said that as a Christian she believes that you should love your neighbor, but only from a distance if they are of bad character. I think that she was insinuating that my neighbor is low-class. And from the way that she has presented herself at school, I could not argue with that.
There are a lot of stupid white parents who aren't involved in their kid's education as well. That is not an exclusively black issue. And when their kids screw up, they want to blame the teacher instead of looking inwards. A lot of people don't want to admit that their kids have any flaws because they know that your children are a reflection of you.
I validate myself by giving up a career to raise two,black academically & socially successful kids. I know that any thing that I take on will be achieved. But, I had to look at how I could improve my parenting skills in order to make that happen. And my husband is contributing to their scholastic achievements by allowing me to focus on their schooling instead of trying to juggle both a career and motherhood. It's extremely hard to be a black parent because everyone perceives you as being a failure. So,by default,your kids will be failures,too. It's not about pleasing whites & gaining acceptance from them. What is it about? Making a world where being black affords you the same opportunities & advantages that being white does.
Blacks need to learn how to help & accept each other. No more judging one another & putting each other down. We need to band together as a community here in Alameda. You can't move away from being a person of African descent. The stereotypes about blacks exist here in Alameda. Not just in the South.
If you have grown weary of being viewed negatively just because you're black, uplift every black person as a whole. Help us dispel these stereotypes instead of purporting them.It's okay to want to diversify as long as you know how to unify. Let's rally around our black youth. But,building a black community is so hard when every black person you meet is trying their best to identify with whites.As a black parent who as been successful thus far, how can I pass tips on to other parents who seem to dismiss what I have to say because I am not a suburban, white soccer mom? How do you build a community with those who have no desire to do so?
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